I’ve been meaning to get a post up for Mother’s Day for some time now, but I’ve been procrastinating, thinking that I had lots of time! I had also intended for this post to be light, airy and fun. Until I received the email this morning from my ex refusing to let my little one spend any part of the day with me. Apparently he has arbitrarily decided that I will only spend every second Mother’s Day with MY OWN CHILD so that my little one can spend it with his new wife. Awesome.
Every Mother’s Day, my children adamantly refuse to let me out of bed early, they carry up breakfast with the elder carrying the tray of food and the little one bringing up my drink. They then shower me with all the presents they have made at school and purchased with my sister. They excitedly jump on my bed as I open them and once I declare they are the best presents a mom has ever had, we end up in a big snuggle pile. Apparently not this year.
This year my eldest will make two trips up the stairs, one to bring me my breakfast tray and the second to carry my drink without spilling. The affair will be quiet and solemn. (My eldest is the quiet one, my baby – not so much.) He will hand me my food and presents and then sit quietly while I open them. I will proclaim them the best presents ever and he will give me a hug and then go downstairs to play video games. While he is in my room, we will both feel the large hole (and the intense silence) that our baby’s absence makes, he may even mention it to me – but as usual, if he does, he will then cry and I will be at a loss to comfort him. I can’t tell him why his brother can’t be there, I’m not allowed to cry about it in front of him (an almost impossibility). So I have to paste on a smile and pretend that I am okay. Which I’m not.
Every time he sends me an email introducing one of his new rules or laws I can feel the smugness that the Judge has granted him. Every new rule is a twist of a knife in my heart knowing that it not only affects me, but BOTH of my children. As I sit here and cry (hoping that will keep the tears at bay tomorrow), I wonder how anyone can be so insensitive to other human beings – and then I remember who he is and what he has done.
I have learned through the years that Mother’s Day truly is less about me and more about my children. It is the one day of the year that the kidlets get to celebrate their mom and thank her for love, patience and guidance. Children relish this. On Father’s Day the same can be said – each of my children can celebrate their Fathers and do or make something to show them how special they are. I know (especially when he gets older) that my baby will understand this and that he will start to feel some guilt over this – even though it is out of his control. And this makes me more sad.
I will hopefully cry out all of my tears today in private (my eldest is still sleeping) and I will mourn for the day that used to be mine. Tomorrow I will pretend that a big part of my heart is indeed not missing, and go on as if nothing was wrong, like I do every day of every second week. Happy Mother’s Day to me.
(Pity – party of one!)